Power Spray
from the Ever Wonder collection (1996-2001)
It has been said that you can judge a man by the friends he keeps. You can also judge a man by the clothes he wears, or the food he eats, or the car he drives. Can you also judge a man by the way he chooses to sprinkle water on his lawn? I was wondering about all the marvellous technological gadgets you can buy to give your lawn a drink. At point of purchase, the owner of one of these devices will have made a manly choice. Of course, he doesn’t have to own an automated water server. He can choose to stand on his lawn with a great length of hose between his legs directing the flow over his domain. In this macho-gunslinger mode, the preferred nozzle would naturally be the pistol grip, multi-position lever-action style. The sleek brass pointy things with twisty tip are hard core. You might feel overly domesticated if you used one of those giant green plastic watering cans. Everyone is different though. When it comes to the masculine sex, the chosen sprinkler type is advertising their dominion over their yard.
Some prefer not to water manually. High tech dudes pick from a variety of automatic sprinklers. Some folk can afford expensive in-ground installations for the golf course affect. Even with lawns that are rectangular, some home owners select a circular sprayer. These folks are going for the Bellagio look.
There are lots of irrigation devices out there spinning artistic little curly-cues of spray. As a child, I remember trying to jump over a set of these spinning spigots along the front of an apartment building. I cleared the first two but the slippery grass sent me sliding toward the third. You don’t want to forcefully land on one of these twirling whirligigs if you have a choice.
For shear power of coverage, the oscillating, water-powered, multi-holed garden sprinkler has got all others beat. An interesting feature is the hypnotic effect it has on anyone watching. The sweep of the spray is so regular and so predictable that your brain waves shut down. You don’t really care, after a while, if your lawn is submerged under 30 centimetres of water, you just dig that rhythmic motion. However, these well designed metal/plastic combinations sure can push parallel beams of crystal gushers to every corner of your yard. Many owners love to show off their water pressure by getting these units to crank out enough water to cover two yards, a driveway, and half the roadway out front. Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor would be proud, but maybe not your city’s water bylaw officer.
For those who don’t want so much action in their yard, then a soaker hose will get the grass just as wet. This is a method of water delivery for people who love the subtle things in life. Just turn me on and let me be, I won’t bother you so don’t bother me. If I got an underground sprinkler system installed, I could dream of the system being hooked up to a switching panel in my living room. Looking out my front window, hidden by the curtain, the devil in me would control the on/off action. “Ha, here comes the paper boy! I wonder if he would like to be cooled off? Hee Hee. Got ya!” Here comes that neighbour out for his after dinner walk with doggie that likes to crap on my grass? “Yyeesss! A two species wet down! Serves him right for owning a dog and not stooping to scoop the poop.”
A man’s lawn is his to rule over. Intruders and other foreign types beware!